The Custody Dilemma.

Children are the worst sufferers in any Divorce proceeding. Always. How does one decide which child goes where? For a child both parents are equally important. Here is a query of a parent, of course no one can give a satisfying reply to a situation like this.

http://www.livemint.com/Opinion/H05k1dyvstfzD07mUK2i1O/The-custody-dilemma.html

If you have anything to say on this please add to the comments here.

Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ'S)

1. Is Mediation counseling?

Answer. No, its the most misunderstood concept that Mediators are trained counsellors and help people through personal problems.
In fact, A Mediator is a neutral third party who simply FACILITATES any dispute or a disagreement. Often when two or more people, parties on a common ground have a dispute between them it is mostly because of lack of communication, high emotions, hurt feelings and closing channels of talking things out. This is mostly in cases of recovery of money, or a dispute between neighbors, property matters and most importantly disputes between the married couples.
Worst damage happens when these unresolved feelings turn into anger and result in filing of cases in a court. Such cases amount to a huge percentage of pending cases in courts.
Even if people find themselves wanting to settle issues later they are unsure of how it will be received.
In a mediation process it is a continuos endeavor of the mediator to first identify the common wants of the parties and help them reach it. The mediator does not advice nor counsel.
Read more on the role of the mediator in this blog posts.



2. My friends are planning to go for a divorce should I refer them to Mediation? Will the mediator help them patch up?

Answer. Yes, to the first question and No, to the next not always.
Yes, surely refer them to a mediator. If a case is already filed the parties could file an application in the court and request the Judge to refer the matter to Mediation under section 89 CPC through there advocate.
There could be a number of reasons why your friends want a Divorce. You may not be the best judge. It is best if a neutral third party (mediator) makes a dialogue happen. The mediators are trained to help people in expressing themselves in a calm and congenial atmosphere.
No, the mediator's do not insist on patching up but surely give the parties an opportunity to explore that option creatively before going ahead. The mediator only assists the parties to reach the conclusion amiably, to close the case so that they tread well in future relationships if at all they have to Divorce. If the parties have a good session where they are able to sort out their issues and patch up then the mediator would help them towards it.

3. Is Mediation expensive?

No, it is not expensive. Mediation is a part of the court proceedings and is FREE. And if a decree results out of it then the entire court fee paid by the parties is returned back. !! :-)


You could leave a question here.

Parents Mediation.

One of the "off the rulebook " mediation that took place was that of the mother of the lady whose divorce case was  just settled and the mother was not taking it well.
The father and the lady who went through the mediation process for annulling the marriage requested the mediator who they had come to trust to help them by having a session with the mother who was very disturbed that her daughter actually went through a divorce.
 It disturbed the mother that in her whole family no one had had a divorce and it shameful that 'her' daughter had to be the first one.
Added to her agony was that she had a younger daughter of marriageable age. It would be difficult to get her married in a good family as the reputation of the family is "spoilt" because of the elder daughter. The mother started having psychological problems and was on sleeping pills.

It is very typical situation the women face in India as the marriages take place between the families and not the couple. Even though there is a huge change in the scene in the cities. But even education has failed to uplift the thoughts of people as a whole. Its changing conversation to dwell deeper into this matter. However, this particular case was a tricky one as the mediator had to be a councilor.
The mediator who comes across as a warm friend shared with me that "I can only be a friend here.. this no one teaches but it is the attitude that we do everything to restore harmony in a family without intruding".
She gave her a patient hearing. The wisdom and experience of the mediator was evident as she asked the rest of the family to stay out of the mediation room. The mediator assured her that no one even her family if she wanted will know about the interaction.

The mother started speaking. I thought that probably for the first time in her life (mother) someone asked her her feelings, her thoughts her identity became important, valued. At first it was all about how - reputation of the family and - would people say. After getting assured of the confidentiality of the interaction the mother spoke of her own story again probably for the first time ..where she compromised all her life for the marriage that she did not want, to the carrer she gave up and how her life has been only a series of compromises in a huge joint family. She even said that she had opposed her daughters' marriage which fell on deaf ears.

The mother looked relieved after having talked her heart out. Here the mediator gently asked her if she would want her daughter to have a similar life. Whether she wants a daughter to be happy or suffer consequences of what is not her doing. Whether she would give her daughter what her mother could not. The mediator made the mother realize that she had to support her daughter more than before. If she ensures that her daughter stays happy and goes on well in life that very attitude will help the family in taking wiser decisions in future where the lives of both the daughters are concerned. This made a lot of sense.
She guided her to take steps to take charge of her own life by taking up some meditation classes or join friends groups. She also told her to avoid those relatives who will make her feel guilty in a nice casual Kannada. The tone of the mediator was kind and soft. It soothed the mother a lot.

When the rest of the family stepped in they were happy to see a smiling mother. I as an observer was wondering if such a thing was possible in the court halls. How many lives would have been saddened if the mediation option was not available.

Divorce by Mutual consent

In another case which was referred by the family court to the Bangalore Mediation centre was for Divorce by mutual consent.
The parties were a young couple working in the IT Industry. They had a son of 8 years. The new job that the mother took up needed her to travel. They were all set to manage between them. The trouble started when the relatives staying around them started interfering. The wife was made to feel guilty for leaving the husband and the son for days.

Matters would not settle down and situations kept worsening to such an extent that they ended up filing for a case for divorce by mutual consent in the Family court. What was a house hold dispute would get discussed before the an audience in the courts. This did not help the parties in anyway. At this stage the Judge of the family court referred the matter for Mediation.
The parties at the mediation table were very uncomfortable, hurt, angry and very apprehensive. they had not had a discussion face to face for years. This the mediator sensed and from the word go she (a very experienced lady who is a grandmother) made the atmosphere light. The most important factor for the parties in a case in a mediation is to have faith in the mediator. In India people are not aware of what happens in a mediation proceeding. The parties expected that they will be counseled into staying together. Thus the opening statement is very crucial.

The mediator assured them that the entire proceedings would be completely confidential, and at any time they wanted they could stop the proceedings. She gave them the space, time, warmth needed for a relationship to heal. It was apparent that trust was absent between the parties. Both had moved on with their lives.
The mediator without preaching made them to understand the importance of a proper closure of the current relationship. So that they do not look back and regret, or nurture guilt or any anger which may pass on to the next relationship.
This made sense to the couple and they spoke to each other. Of course strong words and rage followed but the expertise of the mediator was apparent when she cooled the tempers and the couple could actually apologize to each other. Misunderstandings were getting cleared. But it was too late. Both knew that. A few joint and a few private sessions took place.
The couple did not get back but they were free of any emotional or psychological baggage that they might have carried. They parted as friends with maturity and grace. Simply because they talked it out.

If this matter would have been in a family court the parties would not have got an opportunity to speak there mind. Because the legal provisions in such cases have no such clause. The case would have gone on for at least 2 to 3 years. All the discussions, abusing would have happened in open court.

The mediators undergo rigorous training in various skills required and the centre at Bangalore has on going programs which help them to enhance there skills and learn newer techniques. (Will post more on the mediators role in subsequent posts.)

Not many are aware that cases can be handled the way they need to be. When its about relationships a lot of respect, care and compassion is needed. This the mediation provides.

Disputes for Mediation.

List of Disputes where Mediation can be useful.

Disputes,
1. Arising out of contracts.
2. Relating to Specific Performance.
3. Between Suppliers & Customers.
4. Between Bankers & Customers.
5. Between Developers /Builders and Customers.
6. Between Landlords & Tenants.
7. Between insurers & Insured.

All cases strained or soured relationships,

1. Relating to Matrimonial cases,Maintenance, Custody of children conducted with dignity.
2. Relating to Partition/Division among Joint families etc.,
3. Relating to Parnership among partners.

All cases where there is a need for continuation of the pre existing relationship in spite of the disputes like

1. Between Neighbors.
2. Between Employers and Employees.
3. Between Members of societies/Associations/Apartment owners associations.

All cases relating to Consumer Disputes,

Where the trader/supplier/manufacturer/service provider is keen to maintain his business/professional reputation and credibility or product popularity.

This list is not exhaustive or rigid.It has some exceptions too.